Don’t move.

I want to tell you to stay, but I can’t.  The situation is so WRONG.  Plus I know it’ll just drive you further from me and I appreciate your friendship.

Frustrated.

Why is it that my bf has to get his man-period at the same time i’m about to get my woman period.  I mean seriously, two bitchy people in the house is NOT fun.  I’m ready to punch him in the face. 

1.  You DON’T come home and NOT greet me.  Wtf, who does this?  And why do I always have to be the one to greet?  So unfair.

2.  I cook, I clean, I do BOTH of our laundry and I also work full time.  I understand you work overtime but that doesn’t mean that you can just leave your dirty dishes in the sink and assume I’m going to wash them.  SO unfair.

3.  You go out ALL the time.  Yeah I throw a fit but I get over it.  YOU on the other hand.  UGH.  I go out once in a blue moon, and you throw a fit and hold it over my head for as long as you can remember or stay angry.  SO SO unfair.

UGHHHH can i punch you in the face now?! 

I can’t rest for a single minute.  No.  It won’t let me.  I said I wouldn’t let it “capture” me again, but it has.  I do remember that night.  Like a thief, it was quiet and fluid.  It was like a dance that had been rehearsed over and over again.  Flawless and beautiful.  Regardless, I remained guarded.  I was careful and doubtful, but it was not enough.  Believe me, I did fight.  The memories of heartache echoed in my ears, but the new promises offered were undeniable.  So, it wasn’t long until I surrendered.  I happily threw my hands up.  I cast myself into this ocean and let it’s tides carry me.  I turned my back on all logic and freedom, and trusted again.  But it wasn’t long that I began looking back at my old life.  I returned my thoughts to logic and longed to go back and further explore my mind.  I longed for freedom: to run spontaneously to any and almost every place in the world possible.  But it wouldn’t let me go.  The minute I think I can almost run away, it shouts violently at me.  Reminding me that I am no longer my own.  Reminding me that without this, my heart will taste the bitter flavor of loneliness once again.  I once trembled with fear over loneliness.  Remembering the silence and the cold chill in my bed.  That fear would consume me and I would put away my memories of freedom and logic.  But now, they’ve become a dream.  Freedom.  Now I long for silence.  I long to feel that cool breeze in my bed again.  Time has passed and I no longer fear loneliness.  I now incessantly dream about freedom once again and over time, I’ve somehow managed to manipulate my body’s outward interpretation of what I have previously known as fear, into a facade of peace and contentment.  I cannot show it that I no longer fear heartache.  I cannot show it that I no longer fear loneliness.  Otherwise it would shove every brutal memory I’ve ever had of every my failed attempts of freedom and logic in my face.  But I no longer fear being lonely or heartbroken.  No, I envy the lonely.  Most of all I envy those who know no heartache.  Freedom and logic are an abundance to them!  But I do fear for them.  I fear that when this cruel thing comes to “capture” them, for it will try, that either heartache might be the end of them or that they might fall to this same vicious cycle and have but a shredded, torn and tattered, never valued, heart.

Vent…

I do so much for you! I make so many sacrifices for you, wtf do you do for me? NOTHING! absolutely nothing you selfish jerk! Typical man, if I leave, don’t bother crying for me back…by then I’ll be so drained by pointless relationships that I won’t be wanting any more. I use to dream of being married, but not after you. You gave me the best false hope anyone could give me. For that, thank you. You saved me from the unbearable hurts and struggles of marriage.

I’m beginning to not gaf…

You obviously don’t care about me the way I care about you. Your words might say it, but your actions sure as hell don’t. Do I seriously expect way too much out of this relationship? At this time in my life, am I asking for too much? I mean I was always taught to treat every relationship like I was exploring the possibility of marriage. Maybe I’m expecting to marry rather than exploring to marry? But how do I switch?

fuck you.

bitch.

Craving….

So my bf is so preoccupied with his new computer. I’m lying here wanting to have sex. We haven’t had sex for some days now and I may sound like a nag, but I want it!!

For the first time

I feel I found the one.  

The only way I know that?  

Well it’s simply because you make me actually think about the decisions I’m making.  Forever means forever and I’m actually beginning to wonder if I can handle that.

Is that so bad?

bipolar, yes.

You make me happy & mad.

Sometimes both at the same time.

i hate when people party suuuper hard & just wanna get f’ckd up every night. It’s honestly kinda annoying.